Karaoke Junkies

Karaoke, ‘kara’ meaning “empty”, and ‘oke’ meaning “orchestra”, in Japanese.  If you can’t spell it and interpret it, you should not be able to perform it.  That should get me to the front of the line quickly.

We went to the ‘dirty, dirty’ last night.  It’s in the middle of a dying town center nearby.  The kind of bar you go to when you’re feeling down about your lot in life.  Five minutes in that place will cause great amounts of gratitude for all that you are, and all that you have.  Tweakers, loners, fatties, geeks, retards, elderly, if I was forced to pigeon-hole them all.  “S” and I were supposed to go to the batting cages, but I was late in getting to her house (suburban coma).  So we settled on a beer and one karaoke song.

The karaoke master of ceremonies was a mixture of power-drunk and alcoholic-drunk.  A masculine woman with no teeth and no pesky urge to shower daily.  She only had two song books for a large group of people.  There was at least a 3 minute intermission between songs, which in karaoke time, is like 3 hours.  Dead air.  I snagged a book from a couple of large ladies at a large table.  “S” ordered a screwdriver, I had a greyhound.  Although we ordered well, the bartender poured us Stoli, god bless her heart.  A great bartender by the way, a put-away-wet, dairy queen blond in her early 30s.  The right amount of attentiveness, no trace of bartender arrogance.  It was time to pick our songs.

“S” and I have different approaches to choosing a song.  I have no delusions of grandeur when it comes to karaoke.  My singing voice is flat and off-key.  I would consider myself an entertainer.  My song choices revolve around my audience.  I search for songs off the beaten karaoke path.  These songs are difficult for the average karaoke singer, and only for entertainment purposes.  Freddie Mercury of Queen, Robert Plant of Led Zepplin, Billy Joel, Foghat, these are all examples of artists you would not seriously attempt to karaoke.  “S” on the other hand can carry a tune, she’s definitely a contralto, higher than Nina Simone, lower than Christina Aguilera.  “S” typically does the same list of songs, although she will throw in one or two that she wants to experiment with.  My songs are always changing.

I was stoked to sing “Fat Bottomed Girls” by Queen.  I just discovered it a week ago.  Bryan May, the Queen guitarist, wrote the song.  What a genious.  When I turned my song into the slurring karaoke MC, she held my hopes hostage for about 5 minutes while looking for it, then finally declared that she did not have that song available.  In my disgust, I asked if there were any other song choices we should stay away from due to her supply issues.  I think I walked away without waiting for an answer.  I went back to her a drink later and handed her Led Zepplin’s “Whole Lotta Love”, what a great yelling song.  Robert Plant is a god.

When I got up there, I danced, I yelled, “…keepa coolin baby…”, and the pack of guys in the corner table gave me a couple hoots and hollers.  What worked is that this song is great even with awful vocals.  It’s upbeat, and sexy.  Afterwards, my throat hurt from the yelling.  I wanted another shot at, I knew I could nail it so much better the second time around.  Alas, you have to move on.

Someone sang the “S” trademark Cher song, “If I Could Turn Back Time”, twice.  I honestly can’t remember what she ended up singing.  That is the pitfall of karaoke.  Like a self-absorbed junkie looking for another hit, pun intended, all you can think about after singing one song, is what you’re going to sing next.  The clapping and accolades for other singers is robotic and not very heart-felt. 

I sang a duet with “S”, Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe”.  We were quite good.  I called my country boy sweetheart up north, and left it on his voicemail.  I went on to sing, “Move Out (Anthony’s Song) by Billy Joel.  I know with some practice, that could become one of my classics.

I had to work in the morning, but the drinks and the karaoke junkie in me kicked in.  We finally left at about 1:30am, played a little Yahtzee, chatted, then went to bed. 

Haven’t done that in awhile, it was refreshing.  Until tomorrow.